An Open Letter to Celebrities

Monday, 1 September, 2014

Tabloid media tends to laud celebrities for being normal people. Princess Mary receives accolades for retaining her ‘down to earth Aussie charm’. Countless other celebrities receive glowing endorsements for their ‘modest’, ‘humble’ and, ultimately, boring lives.

I have no idea why this should be encouraged. I am surrounded by down-to-earth people in my everyday life; most of us regular people are down-to-earth by default, not by choice.

You celebrities are different. Not only does your wealth enable you to do buy pretty much anything you desire, you also have a fan-base waiting to consume your self-indulgent projects. This is something us regular people can only dream of. If I were to write a children’s book about an elephant seal tea party on the moon, my chances of publication would be slim. But if the author were Sandra Bullock it would probably be a bestseller. I for one think it is insulting for a celebrity to not capitalise on such opportunities. If you find yourself in an all-you-can-eat sushi buffet, you’re obliged to gorge yourself.

Please learn from your peers. Macaulay Culkin formed The Pizza Underground, a pizza-themed The Velvet Underground cover band. How many food-related cover bands are you in, Robert Pattinson? Lou Bega of Mambo Number 5 fame is a playable dictator in the video game, Tropico. Have you approached any video game developers recently, Nicole Kidman? William Shatner has released five spoken-word albums, including a wonderful recording of Mr Tambourine Man, which culminates in a ‘Khaaaaaaan’-esque “MR TAMBOURINE MAN”.  What do you even do in your spare time, Chris Hemsworth? Just sit and stare out the window?

And then there’s James Franco. James Franco made a shot-for-shot remake of Kanye West’s Bound 2 video with Seth Rogen. James Franco treated Sundance audiences to episodes of the 1970s sitcom Three’s Company remixed into a laugh-trackless drama. James Franco is in a spoken word Motown band.

Just imagine a world where you’re all as interesting as James Franco. Jesse Eisenberg’s board game about 1920’s Flappers battling time-travelling US Presidents is under every Christmas tree, David Schwimmer’s Harry Potter/Foyle’s War fanfic is #1 on the ebook charts and Sandra Sully’s dirty limerick concept album is #4 on the celebrity dirty limerick concept album charts.

Please pursue your self-indulgent vanity projects.  Bono may not have consigned poverty to the dustbin of history and somehow the combined efforts of Danny Devito, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston did not usher in an age of peace to the Middle East. You might not be able to fix the world’s problems, but you can at least distract us from them.