The Tropical Liver-Fucker

Thursday, 2 July, 2015

My first encounter with the cocktail known as the zombie, or the skull-puncher as it’s sometimes called, was at an empty Tiki bar on a Tuesday night. A friend and I were trying to find a place to get a quiet beer and instead had stumbled upon an opportunity to get roaring drunk, en route to a splitting headache the following morning. For a third of the way down the menu, at the modest price of twenty-five dollars, was the zombie, promising four shots of liquor in the one cup – and what a cup! It was a ceramic mug that was sculpted into a snarling head, and looked like something that should have been behind a glass case in a museum or lurking in some horrible nightmare. Although our foggy memories of that night are of a wild, swingin’, glamorous event, in all likelihood the poor bar staff just ended up having to keep the place open an extra hour to watch their only two patrons get from sober to stinking drunk faster than the speed of a projectile vomit.

The only problem with drinking zombies all night – yes, the only problem – is the exorbitant price tag. Although, on occasion, there is also the issue of those pesky bartenders, who think that an afternoon spent acquiring an RSA gives them licence to turn away good money from a man who is very reasonably asking for them to simply reach behind for the goddamned rum and put his seventeenth, eighteenth, nineteenth, and twentieth standard drink of the night into the stupid fucking mug and be done with it. Assholes.

Luckily I have the solution, in a recipe for a drink that you can make at home and that is so hardcore it will knock the cock right out of the zombie’s mouth. I call it: the Tropical Liver-Fucker. I invented it after wanting to go back to the Tiki bar for more punishment, but finding my bank balance being prohibitive of such a jaunt. So I researched, then improvised, then doubled the quantities of everything. Whether you’ve come home from a hard day’s work, or are about to head out for a big night’s partying, or just need something to fuel your jet, this drink is perfect! The recipe is as follows.

• 2 shots white rum
• 2 shots dark rum
• 2 shots Malibu
• 1 shot Cointreau
• Orange juice or pineapple juice

In a cocktail shaker filled with ice, pour in the spirits, and then top up with the juice of your choice. Shake vigorously. Then, pour the contents of the shaker over ice into a large tankard. Hand your car keys to someone responsible and drink up! Make sure you have enough money in your bank account to post bail in case your night gets crazy – which, if you mix the drink right, it inevitably will!

Happy drinking!