It’s that time of year again, when Hollywood’s finest pole-dance their way to the Academy Awards. The nominations are out and not everyone can go home to their ridiculous mansion a winner. Thus, to nurse their battered egos and mend their grazed, multi-million dollar knees, I have come up with a list of alternative categories, increasing everyone’s chances of going home with a title.
THE ‘MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY WEIGHTLOSS STRUGGLE’ AWARD (male recipients only)
Winner: Jake Gyllenhaal – Nightcrawler
Because obviously it’s tough being a male actor and having to lose weight for a role.
THE ‘MICKEY ROONEY COMEBACK FROM OBSCURITY’ AWARD
Winner: Michael Keaton – Birdman
Seriously where the fuck was Keat-dogs? On some ranch in Wyoming, shining shoes for a buck-oh-five, telling out of towners he was once Batman and getting dirt kicked in his face, that’s where!
THE ‘CRY YOURSELF TO SLEEP NO MATTER HOW THE NIGHT GOES’ AWARD
Winner: Amy Adams.
Clearly lives for this shit and missed out on a nomination; the classic dog at the window tapping on the glass, begging to be loved.
THE ‘BIGGEST SHOES TO FILL’ AWARD
Winner: Neil Patrick Harris
Hosting after Ellen DeGeneres – how does one top pizza and Twitter-breaking selfies?
ACTOR/ACTRESS MOST LIKELY TO REFERENCE A WORLD EVENT SHOULD THEY MAKE THE STAGE
Winner: Jared Leto.
I don’t even know if he’s going this year but there’s a “Je suis Charlie” just waiting to burst out of him.
THE LEONARDO DICAPRIO AWARD FOR BEST SWALLOWING OF BITTER DISAPPOINTMENT
Winner: Reese Witherspoon.
She’ll miss out on a trophy for Wild and her inner turmoil will manifest as a twitch in the corner of her mouth, before spiralling out into Ralph Wiggum style heart pain (see Exhibits A & B)
MOST OUTSTANDING INEBRIATED ACTOR/ACTRESS IN THE COMEDY THAT IS THEIR LIFE
Winner: Bill Murray.
You can be sure Uncle Bill will be giving it a nudge. He’ll have taken some Valium and knocked back a sherry or two, and will be participating in his very own Oscars drinking game – a simple one, where you down your drink every time you hear: “And the nominees are”.
THE ‘I WISH YOU WERE MY DAD IN A WEIRD SORT OF OEDIPAL WAY’ AWARD
Winner: Ethan Hawke – Boyhood.
Mmmm. He’s like a fine wine, that Hawke.
THE ‘IF ONLY THIS FILM SCENARIO WAS REAL LIFE’ AWARD (spoiler alert)
Winner: Anne Hathaway being left stranded in another galaxy, in Interstellar.
Need I say more?
THE “I SAID GOOD DAY SIR!” AWARD FOR BEST NOMINEE RIVALRY
Winners: Cumberbatch vs Redmayne for the Best Actor nod.
Just imagine how polite and veiled their hostility towards one another would be:
It’s an ad break… they meet in the men’s room, approaching the urinal at the same time…
Benedict: After you old chap
Eddie: Pardon me, sir, I couldn’t intrude, do go on
Benedict: Perish the thought old sport, you were here first
Eddie: *chuckle* Mmmyes, I suppose you should get used to letting me win, you’re going to have to later tonight
Benedict: Mmmyes, quite, well at least your chances of winning are bigger than your… *chortle and snigger*
Eddie tucks his Redmayne back into his skinny-leg, paisley suit trousers and runs out of the bathroom hysterical.