FOR by Jasper MacCuspie

The dinosaurs sucked.

I’m sorry, I know it’s not a particularly popular thought, but it’s true. They weren’t the cool, scaly lizards of Jurassic Park; no, they were covered in feathers, none of them spat acid, and perhaps for the better, none of them could speak in weird dream sequences. Apparently they didn’t even roar. Instead, they most likely squawked.

So I think you’ll agree with me when I say that we’re all better off not having them around anymore. After all, they’re a bit of a letdown. That’s why the asteroid that took them out was a good thing for the world. The theory of natural selection dictates that the strong survive and the weak die out, however, I believe another theory is also relevant here: the theory of asteroid selection, where only the cool animals survive.

Hopefully there’s another asteroid coming for seagulls very soon.

Another benefit of this asteroid is that it has fuelled our interest in large-scale apocalypse scenarios. Films such as Armageddon and Deep Impact are examples of how our fascination led to an entirely new sub-genre of film-making: disaster films. Any event so powerful that it could kill off the supposedly strong dinosaurs is inherently interesting, and therefore guaranteed to make money at the box-office.

Furthermore, the manner in which the dinosaurs were killed, in a way they had no understanding of and could not prevent, has inspired the human realisation of the life’s finite nature. If another asteroid could strike Earth any day, and kill all of us, why shouldn’t we go skydiving, or eat a fifth bag of chips? After all, as the saying goes, you only live until an asteroid strikes. The mere fact that something so powerful could be eradicated in an instant scares us, but at the same time motivates us to try new things.

So, I’m sure you’ll agree that the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs was a damn fine thing. It gave us cool films, allowed us to do cool stuff, and rid the world of the scourge of the giant chickens.
There’s also the fact that without the death of the dinosaurs, the ecological conditions that gave rise to the dominance of mammals and the eventual evolution of humans, but that’s beside the point.

Dinosaurs sucked!

AGAINST by Ruby Perryman

Life as a single mum is tough, but Betty the Brontosaurus follows a pretty solid routine. She wakes, prepares a breakfast of assorted shrubbery and drops the young’uns at school on her way to work.

This morning appears like any other. Betty’s children, Billy and Brenda, climb onto Betty’s back and they set off to tackle another day. At six and eight years of age, they ooze enthusiasm for life.

Suddenly, a large entity spirals from the sky. Billy squeals. Brenda shrieks. It collides with the earth and the impact sends the children flying. Betty watches as the life she has struggled so hard to create is destroyed before her eyes and in a matter of seconds.

Have you shed a tear? I sure have. The thought of helpless dinosaur families like this keeps me awake most nights. They mustn’t have deserved such a tragic end.

Imagine how we’d live with Betty and co. still kicking.

Oh look, it’s time for your tutorial, better hop on your Triceratops and go for a ride. Have you moved interstate for university and wish to visit your loved ones over the break? No worries. A Pterodactyl will have you delivered.

There’s no need for fuel guzzling modes of transport on a dino-filled planet! Goodbye global warming.

And while we’re solving worldwide problems, let’s take a moment to visualise un-inseminated dinosaur eggs. They’d be bloody huge. Big enough to feed a small developing country, I assume. Adios starvation.

Not only would dinosaurs be brilliant vehicles and alternative sources of nourishment, but they’d also make dope pets. Thieves wouldn’t dare enter a home with a ‘BEWARE OF TYRANNOSAURUS’ warning on display. They’d be a budget security system.

Actually, maybe not. It probably costs a fortune to feed a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Having trouble with bullies? Whether used as a scare tactic or to cause serious physical injury, your large reptilian pal has that covered too. Or maybe mammal mate? Have we figured out what they were yet?

Regardless of their blood temperature, dinosaurs would change the general course of history. Battles would be fought with dinosaurs. Imagine knights in shining armour sweeping across fields atop a dino.

Wait, would humans even exist if the asteroid hadn’t hit? Perhaps we wouldn’t have been able to evolve or we’d have been eaten or something? I’m not too sure how evolution works, I’m doing a Bachelor of Arts.