FOR

By Katherine Anastasatos

Imagine the terror of one day arriving home, opening up Snapchat to rant to your friends about your first-world problems, flicking to a filter that instructs you to ‘raise your eyebrows’ in order to activate it, and… nothing happens. No cute furry ears, no amusing spectacles, no floating pink hearts; just your own lifeless, bleary-eyed face staring back at you. All because you have no eyebrows to raise. The horror!

Snapchat crises notwithstanding, eyebrows are a vital part of human expression and communication. One raised eyebrow might express scepticism; two raised eyebrows might express shock; eyebrows that are dancing up and down all around the forehead signify Emilia Clarke is really, really excited.

Evolutionarily speaking, eyebrows are also there to keep our eyes clean and clear. For all you fitness enthusiasts who prefer to take the stairs in Redmond Barry while I contentedly ride the elevator, the reason the sweat from your forehead doesn’t drip into your eyes and cloud your vision is because of your eyebrows. 

You know who would have benefited from eyebrows? Voldemort. Now, I’m not claiming that a lack of bushy brows was the reason for his demise, but if Voldemort truly wanted to dispose of Harry Potter as a threat, some pointy pencil brows (think Gwen Stefani circa 1999) against his other frightening features would have had The Boy Who Lived cowering in a corner. 

But for real, you don’t have to take a long browse through the internet to know that even if brows come in all shapes and styles, most which are usually tragic (the Instagrammer who turned her eyebrows into the Nike logo will further remain unmentioned), we are all the better for having them. A simple glance at the collages of celebrities Photoshopped without eyebrows proves this—they are all cursed images and cannot be unseen. The great abyss between Angelina Jolie’s eyes and hairline when you edit out her arched brows reminds me of my sleep paralysis demon. 

While eyebrows can be a pain to maintain, and most of us will sadly never know the joy of having eyebrows “on fleek”, it’s better than the alternative.

AGAINST

By Katherine Scott

Eyebrows are nothing but pressure. Those two hairy caterpillars above your eyes incite chaos from the moment you’re born. They’re like little traitors on your face, giving away all your private thoughts. Thought you were subtle when you were checking out that girl in your stats class? Your eyebrows are laughing cruelly; the way Jim Carrey does in A Series of Unfortunate Events. 

Subtle? Think again champ. 

I typed the word ‘eyebrow’ into Google, hoping to be won over by sleek images of Kybrows or glossy Anastasia Beverly Hills products. After all, who’d be crazy enough to write an article that did anything but worship eyebrows? They’ve become so trendy that in the totally legit competition for Snazziest Facial Hair of 2019, beards have been suspected of doping and moustaches have declared eyebrows their ‘arch enemy.’ 

However, my quick brows (sorry), revealed Eyebrow Shaming was the third highest Google search result. On a planet where Netflix exists, why on earth are people spending time searching for things like Eyebrow Shaming?? 

Suddenly I was hooked, what other wild brow related searches would start popping up? I began a hair-raising journey down the Reddit-hole. Among the anarchy of trends – the squiggle brows, the plaited brows, the Christmas tree brows – I found a particularly scintillating article titled ‘Are Thick Eyebrows a Sign That You’re a Narcissist?’

That’s when I decided I’d had enough Internet for the day. 

You might think I’m exaggerating, but go ahead and type in ‘Eyebrow Trends’ on the interwebz. The first dazzling images you’ll see will be the halo brow (terrifying), the feathered brow, and my personal favourite – the high heel brow. Just in case you need to kick ass with your…uh…forehead. It’s like Lindsay Lohan says; the limit does not exist. 

However, I’d never deny that self-expression is beautiful, so I guess you do you, pal. 

Sometimes my fear of developing a monobrow prompts me into action and I begin to pay attention to my brows. But the maintenance, oh, the MAINTENANCE! Just one wrong move with a pair of tweezers and they’re too skinny – suddenly it’s 2004 and you’re wearing a tie as a belt and Juicy Couture tracksuits. No, to heck with the brows I say. Shave them off and live a peaceful, smooth, expressionless life. In the words of the esteemed Lady Gaga, can’t read my, can’t read my, no he can’t read my poker face.