Dear Diary: The PM's Retrospective Journal

Dear diary, I’m tired of the city life, summers on the run, people tell me I should stay, but I’ve got to get my fun.


Originally published in Farrago Edition Two (2022).


Dear diary,

I’m tired of the city life, summers on the run, people tell me I should stay, but I’ve got to get my fun. 

Those are some catchy lyrics. I feel like I have heard them before but can’t pinpoint the actual song… oh well. I certainly had my fun this week. Firstly, my friend Karl came by and interviewed me for 60 minutes. I got to play my ukulele for him and performed that super catchy song “April Sun in Cuba”. I only played the chorus, but I think I might have actually forgotten it. Some people in the media were asking why I chose to sing a song about escaping to a communist paradise but I’ve got no idea what they are talking about. I’ve only ever been to one paradise and that was Hawaii…I wonder if that was communist? 

Given all this media attention it’s really no surprise that I’m feeling pretty targeted at the moment, and frankly, I find it pretty unfair. Grace Tame is a bully. She says that I don’t listen to her or take her concerns seriously but what she doesn’t know is that I simply don’t hold a hose with this situation. Yes, there are issues coming from the government and parliament that I represent, but how can she expect me to fix everything? I’m just one man. I think she’s speaking on some important social issues that must be fixed, because these dilemmas, of which I remember perfectly well, need to be stopped. Also, if I didn’t want to listen, why would I invite her to parliament house? I still can’t believe she didn’t smile in my photo with her, I thought that was so rude. 

Then when I thought all was well, I found out that I had offended Senator Thorpe. All I said was that “sorry can never be given without any expectation of forgiveness” in relation to Kevin Rudd offering the national apology 14 years ago. Apparently it’s disrespectful and selfish of me to expect unconditional forgiveness after an apology. Honestly, what is the point of saying sorry if someone isn’t going to forgive you? It makes me feel pretty bad about myself. 

As the good book says in 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness”. Maybe I should investigate implementing more biblical teachings in Australia – I can see that working quite well actually. I never did understand why they shut down the missions. 

I also think I have gotten to the stage where I can forgive Grace Tame for not smiling in our photo even though she hasn’t said sorry. I hope that makes her feel better about it. I wish more people were like me. 

I got to have a lovely Valentine’s Day with Jennyas well. I always joke to her how I am glad she didn’t run away all those years ago, especially after the whole Engadine Macca’s thing but that is all behind me now. I don’t think many people know about it which is good… best keep it on the down low. That is the last thing that I need people to find out about right before the election. 

Ah…the election. To be honest, I’m getting a bit nervous about it. I thought I had a lot of friends in my party but I found out that Barnaby sent some nasty text messages about me. At least he apologised, which was nice I guess. I don’t forgive him for it though. Mate just because you feel bad doesn’t mean I have to comfort you, silly. Hopefully my friends will be a bit nicer to me next week.

Until next time, 


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