Pitch:

A sequel to Michel Gondry’s film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004), this film will be the older, darker, disturbingly erotic brother of the original. The ex-boyfriend of Clementine Kruczinski (Kate Winslet), Joel Barish (Jim Carrey), has recovered his memory lost in the first film and has one thing on his mind: revenge. Similar to The Terminator, Joel stalks through night streets to find Clementine, who broke his heart, so that he can break. her. spine. Clementine will be the protagonist of the story, who has gained superpowers from a secretive operation, which she uses to fight Joel. Above all though, the film will be a romance about two lost souls coming together in the most unlikely of circumstances: violent murder.

I understand that sequels aren’t in vogue this season… yet! Now I’m not saying that this film can singlehandedly change a century-long critical disdain for sequels – particularly those sequels that are totally unrelated to the original and solely exist to cash in on the intelligence, creativity and hard work of others – BUUUUUT Eternal Darkness will shine a light (yes, a light, despite the title being about darkness, ha-ha funny funny) on the great potential held by sequels to not only surpass, but annihilate the originals. And yes, that is an allusion to the scene in which the cast sets fire to an effigy of Michel Gondry and potentially the person Michel Gondry too. You’ll have to PAY THE DOLLAHS to see if Frenchy gets it!

Excerpt:

INT. X-MEN LAIR – NIGHT

CHARLES XAVIER sits opposite CLEMENTINE.

XAVIER
How do you feel Clementine? Have you gained the powers I promised you?

CLEMENTINE
Bitchez watch out.

XAVIER
And now, you must uphold your end of the bargain. Tell me where the large brown sack with a dollar sign on the front is!

CLEMENTINE
Huh?

XAVIER
Oh, right. David Bowie promised me that in return for eternal life. I must get onto him…

CLEMENTINE
I never promised you anything.

XAVIER
How about an alternate ending to Titanic?

MONTAGE – VARIOUS

A) EXT. HOLLYWOOD STUDIO – DAY – Clementine spear-tackles James Cameron.

B) INT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT – James Cameron is tied to a chair and Clementine tears a bag off his head.

C) INT. SUBURBAN KITCHEN – NIGHT – Leonardo DiCaprio walks around his home and Clementine springs from the darkness to punch him in the face.

D) EXT. THE OCEAN – NIGHT – Clementine and Leonardo DiCaprio re-enact his death scene from Titanic while she holds a gun to his head and James Cameron fearfully films. Leonardo DiCaprio climbs onto the floating door to discover that, yes, there is enough room for both of them.

END OF MONTAGE

INT. X-MEN LAIR – NIGHT

Charles Xavier sits and Clementine runs in with a black DVD case in her hand. She slams it onto his lap.

CLEMENTINE
No worries Professor.

XAVIER
God, I want to eat Leonardo DiCaprio’s face.

CLEMENTINE
What, Professor?

XAVIER
Uh… nothing!

CLEMENTINE
Hmmm, while that is a convincing cover, I can’t help but wonder why your beef jerky looks so much like Leonardo DiCaprio’s face.

We see Xavier chewing on Leonardo DiCaprio’s face in jerky form. JOEL blasts through the ceiling and into the room.

XAVIER
Joel! How did you get here!?

JOEL
I’ve been trapped up there for days, screaming.

XAVIER
I thought that was a raccoon asking for sweet death to lay its final kiss!

JOEL
Oh, no, that was a raccoon. I screamed more vengeful things regarding the insulation and wiring.

XAVIER
Must have been so awful I blocked it out.

JOEL
Hey! Where did Clem go!?

Clementine has vanished.