So, you’ve completed an assignment. ConGLYNtulations. But guess what? It sucks. Quick—add these photos of the effervescent vice-chancellor of Australia’s #1 University to give your assignment a much-needed sprucing up. Why Glyn, you ask? Hold onto that—questions will be addressed in the tutorial.

We’ve also included some sample topics to go with the pictures, you lazy bums. May as well just credit the entire work to us.

1. Glynie Say What? An Oral History of Vice-Chancellor Communications

The obvious best use of this pic is as a tessellating pattern on your assignment cover page.

2. Counter Hegemony in Globalised Sub-Cultures: Whaddup With That?

We recommend scaling this one down to about one pixel and using it instead of full-stops in your essay.

3. Existential Ass: The Philosophy of Kim Kierkegaardashian

This pic will obviously be a series of screenshotted tweets you submit as part of a baffling philosophy hurdle requirement. For maximum effect, change your Twitter DP to this saucy frame.

4. Is True Altruism Possible? Should We Even Care? And: When Is My UberEATS Arriving?

Pop this one in as a background on your essay paper. Make it so transparent that your tutor will only see it under the brightest of lights, or by turning their PC brightness up to 100. It will destroy their eyesight forever.

5. Has Science Gone Too Far? The Case for Automated Vice-Chancellors

Leave this picture up on a slideshow for an uncomfortably long time. Like, forget your USB in the lecture theatre and just leave the class. Take a train to Hurstbridge. Don’t come back.

6. The Group Presentation Where You Did All the Work

Just look at the eyes. Look at them until you can no longer bear it. OH SO YOU ‘FORGOT’ THE ASSIGNMENT, STEPHANIE? LOOKS LIKE I HAVE TO WRITE THE ENTIRE PRESENTATION. AGAIN. OH YEAH NO I’M FINE THANKS.

7. Fine Art Thesis: He Thumb Too Small for Him Gotdamn Hand

Just add an Instagram filter to this and print it on an edible postcard, and the VCA will probably start paying YOU to attend their course. Nice!

Now, get sprucing with Glyn and you’re guaranteed to turn those H-nones into H1s! Or at least a pity pass!* Hooray!

*and potentially a restraining order. Farrago assumes no responsibility.

Article by Silvi Vann-Wall.