IMAGE by David Zeleznikow-Johnston

FOR by Trent Vu

Straight white men are good for things other than news scandals and bro hugs. From a biological standpoint, a lot of you were conceived with straight white sperm, but us gays in particular have a lot of other things to thank straight white men for.

Cut to me back in 2012—still in the closet with a huge crush on a straight white boy. He was a bit of a dick, but that probably made me like him even more. Nothing was ever going to happen, because, well, he was straight, but that didn’t stop my fantasising about the cute gay couple life we’d have—a beautiful house, extravagant holidays and, like, eight puppies. Needless to say, this crush was a painful experience, but I’m actually thankful for him, because he helped me come to terms with my attraction to guys.

Furthermore, straight white men give us the gay representation in the media we so desperately want. Eric Stonestreet in Modern Family; Nick Robinson in Love, Simon; all the gay-for-pay performers in gay porn: we are indebted to these actors for giving representation to the gays. Plus, it’s a two-way street—we benefit from the visibility, and the straight white actor flexes their acting chops with a challenging role outside of their comfort zone. And sometimes, like Heath Ledger or Jake Gyllenhaal for Brokeback Mountain, it even nabs an Oscar nom. Everybody wins!

According to every presidential speech in the history of ever, “Behind every great man is a great woman.” Ew. Nope. Bye. I offer this instead: “Behind every fave is a straight white man.” Hear me out. Gay icons Ariana Grandgay and Carly Gay Jepsen are managed by Scooter Braun—a straight white man. Britney Queers’ break up with Justin Timberlake led to the release of the pop masterpiece In the Zone and megabop Toxic. A very naked Orlando Bloom was literally kneeling behind Gayty Perry as he ferried her around on a paddle board one time. And I’m sure that at least one of the shirtless backup dancers that carries Mariah Carey onto the stage is a straight white man. That’s a pretty accurate visualisation of the necessary place that straight white men hold in our society.

Straight white men are the unsung heroes of gay culture, so next time you see your token straight white male friend, give him a big bro hug to thank him for everything he’s done.

AGAINST by Elinor Mills

The worst part of being bisexual is being attracted to men; lunks, frightened off by simple phrases like “the women in your philosophy tute are intelligent lifeforms”, “adult humans should know how to do their own laundry” and “it doesn’t matter if you drew a funny little tophat and monocle on it, it’s still an unsolicited dick pic”. Frustratingly, some of them are nice to look at, so to avoid the unique hellscape that is Having Feelings For A Man, I urge you to remember that straight white men are, in fact, completely obsolete.

Firstly, straight people don’t exist. Research out of Cornell in 2012 demonstrated through pupil dilation that the majority of straight women might not be as straight as they think. This makes perfect sense to anyone who has ever looked at a woman. (Este Haim, call me.)

Similarly, you would be shocked to learn just how many of my straight-identified male friends have sucked a dick or two. If you’re a queer boy exclusively attracted to men (my condolences), rest easy in the knowledge that your straight boy crush probably isn’t even very straight.

And, we all know that the long march of history is really just the long march of white people (and especially straight men) doing their utmost to fuck up other cultures. Without People of Colour, we’d be living in a world without potato chips, water pistols, the novel and the number zero. What would we have without white people? Probably a lot less genocide. We’re pretty irrelevant to all the best parts of the planet, so why should we be a part of your romantic life?

So, you say, you’re happy to critically evaluate the societal pressures that have led you to only consider straight white men eligible partners. But what about children, you ask? Don’t we need men for those? Nope! Firstly, the existence of trans people means that whatever combination of genitals you need to create a small being, it never has to involve a cis dude.

However, us trans folks are a small and highly-sought- after group, if the hundreds of “20 Sexy Trans People You Can Feel Morally Good For Wanting to Fuck” listicles I read prove anything at all. Luckily, modern science is tantalisingly close to making it possible for humans to reproduce totally separate from the typical sperm/egg situation. Straight white men won’t even be needed!