Content warning: references to the Russia–Ukraine War; mentions of drugs and alcohol

 

Travelling to Japan a Scam: Try DonDon Instead 

Why spend thousands of dollars when you can be spiritually transported across the Pacific Ocean by ordering the same chicken curry don every day from this iconic Melbourne restaurant? 

— Gloria Yu 

 

Israel Recognising Ukraine’s Sovereignty Proves No One Knows the Definition of Irony 

“It’s not warmongering when we do it,” said Israeli President Herzog. 

We at Farrago don’t want to report any further because honestly it’s a bit of a bummer and this is the funny section. 

— Bayley Horne 

 

Betrayal Is a Five Letter Word: Uninitiated Mate on Thin Ice After Spoiling Wordle in Group Chat 

Not wanting to be left out of the trend, Nate from Commerce decided to have a gander at this Wordle thing after seeing weird coloured squares in the group chat the past couple of days. After figuring out the word in three attempts, he triumphantly texted “my word was ‘vivid’, what did you guys have?”, only to be met with “multiple people are typing”. Since then, the rift between Nate and his friends has only widened. Nate has come to a bitter acceptance of his fate, and will be tried at the Hague for his crimes. 

— Gloria Yu 

 

Girl Takes Vitamins and Chugs a Green Juice After Night Out to Avoid Hangover and Maintain Wellness Lifestyle 

It is widely known among the girlboss community that having a self-care Sunday also cancels out any amount of drinking and drug-taking that happened on Saturday. This can include activities such as burning sage, attending a yoga class or doing a skincare routine. 

“I really treat my body like a temple… I love a good ginger shot!” says Lina, who was spotted by an anonymous source throwing up in the front yard of a house party last night. 

— Genevieve Byrne 

 

“Straight” Women Spotted at a Bar Sharing Thoughts About How Much Easier It Would Be to Date Women 

“I just feel like girls get it, they’re much better communicators.” 

“Yeah girls know what they want!” 

“Exactly, like I would definitely rather date women.” 

“Same! And girls are so pretty.” 

“Like I would date you for sure…” 

“Aw that’s so sweet, I would date you too…” 

— Genevieve Byrne 

 

Okta Verify Successfully Fucks Over Another Student With a New Phone 

After deciding that SMS authentication was simply not niche enough, UniMelb made the bold decision to install Okta Verify in 2021. Now more and more students are spending hours digging up their old phones to verify themselves on the app, because God forbid we have a security system that actually makes sense. 

— Madison Barr

 

All-Male Sharehouse Hasn’t Purchased Dishwashing Liquid Since They Moved In

At the lovingly nicknamed Casa De Tinnies, housemates Cayden, Caiden and Kayden have decided that soap is completely optional when doing dishes. 

“I don’t know why everyone needs to clean all the time,” said Kayden. “Personally I like the leftover KFC grease on the bowls, it gives my cereal a bit more flavour!” 

We at Farrago want to vomit. 

— Bayley Horne 

 

Scomo in Tears After Being Denied a Mashd N Kutcher Remix of His Ukulele Performance 

Apparently no amount of auto-tune could save Scomo’s attempt at being a passable member of society. Rumour has it the famous DJs will be sampling his recent Russia speech for a diss track instead. 

— Madison Barr 

 

Student Forgets to Google When Semester Actually Starts 

Four weeks after getting “seriously sloshed” at a variety of O-Week parties, Josh Gabforth began posting in several UniMelb Facebook groups asking “So when do we start going to classes?” The collective sympathetic sighs from other Facebook users resonated across campus. 

— Alexia Shaw 

 

Study Finds Euphoria’s Portrayal of Drug Use Is Not Its Worst Problem 

After the anti-drug organisation D.A.R.E. lashed out at the show for “glorifying teen drug use,” the Farrago Satire Team conducted an extensive survey of parents to see if they agreed with this statement. After analysing these findings, it was found that while 37% of parents felt uncomfortable with the show’s portrayal of teen drug use, an overwhelming 100% of parents reported being far more pissed off about the show’s copious use of glitter, which survey respondents have said is “a real bitch to vacuum”. 

— Alexia Shaw 

 

Lactose Intolerant Friend Once Again Risks Life to Fuel Bubble Tea Addiction 

While those with intolerance to substances like nuts, seafood or gluten tend to know what’s good for themselves, the lactose intolerant often choose to brave the consequences of their actions. One of these brave souls is Cindy, who eyes up the Gong Cha menu, ignores the array of lactose-free options, blocks out memories of agonising cramps, and orders her third Thai Milk Tea of the week. Great taste though. 

— Gloria Yu 

 

Has Ukraine Considered Just Asking Russia Nicely? 

My mum told me that you should always say please when you’re asking for something. Has the Ukrainian government said please? 

Have they attended couples counselling in the past seven years? Have they experimented in bed at all? 

I’m really hoping they can work it out before it escalates any further. 

— Bayley Horne 

 

Man Gets Rejected for the Twentieth Time Because He Is an ISTJ Scorpio Mercury 

“Ahh, ISTJs are just a bit… common. I mean they can be good at making money but since he’s a Scorpio Mercury, that kinda just... cancels out… Oh yeah, plus my rose quartz is also sensing bad feng shui,” Tinder date Amelie says apologetically, holding a pink rock close to her ear as if it’s talking to her. 

— Danqing Zhu